Friday Blues

I went out with him last night…. And he brought a girl friend. Not GF, just a platonic friend.

That’s alright, but he also mentioned casually during one of our tet-a-tet that he has a GF. This is his exact line “when my girlfriend and I fought, I did this….” IDK whether that’s a generalized statement as in “when couples fight”… or if he was being specific. If he was being specific shouldn’t the sentence go this way “when my ex and I fought, I did this…”?

Anyways whatever it is, as I mentioned previously that sentence and the fact that I was relegated to the backseat in the car (because his girl pal sat in front) didn’t sit very well with my heart. My poor achey breaky heart (is that the right expression?)

Jut to put things into context, his friend (whom he has known since 5 years ago) just arrived in Australia that morning, and spending 4 days to visit him. She finally made the trip there after promising him for so long. In her own words “I have to make it this year because he’s leaving Australia for good in Dec!”

They were frolicking in the sand, hugging and chasing each other. Maybe I exaggerate but that’s how it seems from my point of view :P

Nontheless I am thankful and a bit flattered that he was true on his promise to see me on Thursday and take me around town. His bff (who also joined us) said that I am very lucky to have him with me because he is a very busy guy. Even the guys had to book his diary in advance to make appointments. Awww… sweet.

Still, that doesn’t help to lessen this envious pain in my heart.

Dunno why I feel this great big pang of jealousy when he is just a crush I’ve known for less than a week?! Maybe its PMS (yup today’s my first day) … or maybe I am just tired of living in denial or selective amnesia or pretend oblivion – choose one or all of the above.

He is not the first guy who is “emotionally unavailable” to me – mr A with his trespasser GF, Mr B the Rockstar with his attachment to his past, Mr C who just can’t get out of work mode and now Mr Hotness…. with a probable GF in tow.

I can’t continue doing this to myself, this is self sabotage! 

I must start looking for a man who is single. Absolutely, 100% single with no small prints, disclaimers or emotional attachments to someone other than me. Where is that person? Where can I find him?

Honestly, I haven’t been looking for these emotionally unavailable men, but they managed to find me. Did I have antennae that attract them? How can I realign my signal so that I capture only the right ones?

I am so down. Though I pretend to be happy and have fun and a laugh about it, deep down I feel disappointed every time I saw or find out or hear about the other person. 

The girl for whom their smile, their gaze, their tender caring touch and their heart, soul and future is pledged to. I want to be that girl. Not the other person, outside looking in, forever wishing that it’s me.

Mr B the Rockstar hasn’t contacted me at all while I was in Oz. I am not sure now whether he is into me. Even if he is, I don’t know whether he is free with absolutely no strings attached.

Back to square one huh, B.

Cue ColdPlay The Scientist: “Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it’s gonna be this hard, I’m going back to the start”.

Xoxo